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 Pirate Positions Registration

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Eden D. Scythe

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Position : Supernova
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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Sat Aug 29, 2015 12:33 pm

I will keep this short and sweet. For the time being, you have been denied for the rank of Supernova. The reasons why are as follow: you have several grammatical errors throughout your sample; I'm not sure what the "red" and "blue" are for; you make OOC comments during the RP of your character's thoughts. Now, on the bright sides, I like your use of onomatopoeia throughout the sample. I also believe that putting your character into a situation where your character actually didn't succeed is awesome; this is much more realistic, and to me that means a lot. I want you to spend the next few days polishing your grammar and writing skills. Look at some of the other samples that were approved and try to format your writing the way they do. I believe that with some practice, you can be a fine Supernova! Practice hard and try again in a few days.

Draco D Killdread wrote:
Crew: The Legends
Position: Super Nova
Tier: 1
Activity: 3-5 hours depends
Why: because all will know the name of holy DDS
Sample: As i began to walk down the spiraling road of mt havoc,i started to hear fluttering."tch" shrugging off the near by threats.
"Pop-pop"...."pop-pop" popping noises i thought to myself "hmm" rear admril Korks.
red Im not here to chat Draco lets go.

He dashed towards me nearly knocking me of the mountain side..."panting pant-pant" catching my breath i lunged at him using my (Seinaru Seinaru fruit powers) catching the tip of his marine coat.Dammit he's fast.

red"HEEEY" yelling Korks,up here ya dumbshit.

"BOOM-BOOM"as the sound of Korks 10mm canons exploded causing a landslide of boulders to come crashing down.As i jumped he threw a right straight at incredible speed causing me to twist at a tremendous speed towards the mountain side crashing against it."DAMMIT" i yelled,rushing the admril throwing a barrage of holy fire at him.Dodging it he didnt see me as i hide behind a nearby boulder.shit i thought to myself,this asshole is to be messed with.

red "Ooohh mister Draco where are you".....red

blue "Right here you oversized p-p-piig"!!

Korks began ignitiating protocal V (the destruction of mt havoc).
Damn you Korks getting in close,and throwing several flame induced kicks stumbling the rea admril.
Jumping back,as he start's to catch his balance,i started to hear loud battle cry's as 50 marines and another rear admril started
getting closer and closer."This is bad" thinking to myself how im gonna get out of here."Bang- Bang- Bang" as the sound of flintlock pistols and rifles ringed across the mountain side.

red"Its over" we will capture you..then torture you....and finally you will meet your grave

blue And your the good guys?...dont make me laught i'll slaughter the lot of ya and be on my way.My crew is waiting for me and im afraid to to tell you i wont let them down.

Jumping,then throwing several knives at Kurk catching him once in his right calf and twice in his upper right thighUsing the momentum from the jump i whipped out my holy fist technique hitting the rear admril sending him flying towards his peers.One marine started slashing at me with his cutless parrying it with a stone off the ground i then smashed it on his head.One after another i was attacked dodging almost every hit,ending up at a ledge behind everyone.
Is this it....thinking of the crew i blacked out entering a baserk rage"..i..i...i will not DIE"!!!!! punching one marine,kicking the next sending him flying.I grabbed one marine throwing him off the ledge.Roundhouse,axe kick,elbow,fist,foot,one after another they cought my wrath.noticing i had made just enough space between me in them,i lept off the mountain side falling 50feet.As i was falling i again thought of the crew......just to be saved by them.
As i looked up to see the captain holding me i pasted out...but she muttered to me

pink All is well Draco we'll handle the rest

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Draco D. Killdread

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Sat Aug 29, 2015 12:36 pm

next time i'll have it down packed thanx
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Laplace

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:21 pm


IN RESPONSE TO ELRON

Suffice to say, I was between 300 and 350 words in before worrying that I might decide to deny the sample, and around 550 words in before coming to the conclusion that the sample was going to be denied. So from top to bottom, start of the sample to the end one paragraph at a time, here goes my review.

The very first sentence of your sample contradicts, or is contradicted by a statement succeeding it in another paragraph. "It was just like any other typical day in Elron's life." conflicts with the statement " Never before in his life had he been to Karate Island..." Not a major problem considering the first sentence generally acts as a hook to have the reader pulled into the story engaged and ready to watch the words convert into imagery in their minds; nevertheless, while that first sentence doesn't have a particular level of significance in the sample and pointing out this bit is outright nitpicking, it's a matter of fluidity in your sample and the detriment it provides in quality that lowers my nonexistent rating on the sample.

The second sentence gives me ample confusion thanks to structure and a factor--which I'm not entirely sure of since I can't tell your intent with how this sentence was supposed to flow--of what I assume to be improper punctuation. A major problem with how unsure I am of whether or not there was a punctuation error is that the sentence written wasn't clear enough for a reader to discern that point. Eden noted it as well in the chatbox, but I'm sure without my clarification you can easily see what's wrong with the following sentence: "With another toss Elron flicked his own body over the ledge and before you knew it landed in the sand with a similar thud as the ship creating a small crater."

I'll point this out ahead of time before I get to the latter dialogue, but there's the inconsistency of coloured dialogue and non-coloured dialogue, which provides a decent amount of confusion. One part in the quoting of the noted martial arts style followed by some dialogue, where the only very clear distinction is a difference in sentence flow and a series of periods. Not a major fault, but the repitition gradually grows obnoxious. The dialogue itself I'm fairly whatever about since it's your story, and it'll go the way you want it to in the manner you'd like it to go, but--and this doesn't really affect the verdict--it's fairly stale and monotonous.

The next few paragraphs aren't too bad; while clear and straight-forward, the only things I had trouble with was sentence structure that failed to provide fluidity. Occasionally this would breed a sentence that didn't really make sentence, but as it only happened in these paragraphs to lines that existed more or less as fluff to the post, they weren't all that bad either. There comes a problem concerning inconsistency once again, with the narration of him "razing an island" while previously stated context let's the reader know that "Karate Island" has multiple martial arts, and Elron only came across one specified dojo.

At most, I would sum this up to exaggeration--unfortunately, it's difficult to tell. That is, until there's actual portions of narration subsequent that describes him actually razing the island and burning down dojos wherever his feet carried him. The bridge from his antics in one dojo, to the succeeding pillaging of the entire island prompted confusion, and I was very lost without that detail being smoothed out. Either way, at the very least all would be swell concerning these points of exaggeration entirely, until you can't tell whether or not it's exaggerated or literal. This happens again when the marines come onto the scene on the sand, narration claiming they are the finest. Without reading ahead you already know--as cliches demand--they were going to be utterly ravaged. And yet, they represent the finest. You'd think it's just exaggeration for dramatic effect and improved reverence towards the subject, right? The manner in which Elron carries himself, perhaps eludes to him being under the impression that even the finest marines wouldn't be a challenge and that this misconception was entirely generated by his own psyche--but that arrogance equally offers the thought of these marines being described as "the finest" literally. Of course, I immediately assume that isn't the case even if I'm urged to think of Elron as "the next Mihawk".

The story is however you chose to mold it afterwards with the appearance of a Rear Admiral and whatnot, and while it's easily seen where the sample is going based off of the cliche direction traversed throughout the rest of the preceding post, it's not all that bad of a problem. What does pose a problem is, once more, lacking proficiency portrayed in the sentence structure that seems to outright miss portions of what differs a phrase from a sentence entirely, smack-dab in the middle of the sentence itself.

All in all, there were multiple smaller details nitpicked at that wouldn't provide a resulting denial, until they were offered the opportunity to overlay against larger, far more impacting errs and portions that degraded the sample quality progressively. Thus, my verdict is that this sample is denied. While there were a lot of things I pointed out, since a lot of it was minor--yet frequent--I hope to come across a following application in three days time. Until then, I look forward to seeing improvement.

edit: I forgot a major point: Your sample for Shichibukai would be extremely conflicting, as Elron acts as a normal pirate, whereas a Shichibukai would--or at least should not--be razing an entire island and burning it to the ground before fighting off and--presumably--killing off a Rear Admiral and supporting marines. Shichibukai have limited immunity, and will ultimately have their special rights relinquished if they go too far.

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Ser Random

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Sat Aug 29, 2015 4:23 pm

My response to your response because something things confuse me.

"It was just like any other typical day in Elron's life."

This has to do with

"The sun beat down upon the tiny ship at which he had once again stowaway on,  stowing away was something often making an intrusion in his daily activities. Without a crew of his own he left all in his lonesome to just drift from island to island causing a ruckus."

Which technically would make going to a new island apart of his daily activities. All though the whole never been there before thing just ties into the explanation of the island and why he drifted there.

The first quotes would be what the sign said, and I did miss the coloring of the dialogue after that. The first set was specifically missed to indicate it wasn't dialogue but what the sign said.

Now for the remaining paragraphs I only had him go through one dojo, while hinting at the fact there were multiple.(With a bit of time skipped due to the fact it was just a sample and I did not want to repeat going into multiple dojos and it become boring) Then I started out with the whole "clouds of smoke and flames" stuff to symbolize that time skip and to let the readers know he went through those multiple dojos. Also I know my fluff skills suck lol

Also if you read what I put after the sample like you noted, it was exaggerated on purpose because how does one accurately gauge the median strength of 7 warlords?

The warlords must do something extraordinary to get themselves noticed; this would be that event.


Referring to the Mihawk bit was because he has no crew.
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Yami

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 9:29 am

Crew: N/A (Still up for grabs -wink wink-)
Position: Super Nova
Tier: 1
Activity: Two to five hours a day
Why: Because my character is a constant rule breaker with the exception of some of his own rules. Just hand him a rule or book of laws and he'll try his hardest to break every last one of them. He has absolutely no love for marines and the world government and anyone who stands with them.
Sample:
The Sample:
 

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Prankster
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PostSubject: here's my second try   Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:30 am

Look below

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I don't judge people based off their sex who or what sex they like or who they worship or by they race. So don't judge me if I'm being  a little silly I'm a prankster after all.. At the end of the day we are who we are and that's human... And yes I'm no Yale English language teacher umma misspell a lot of ish.
Leave jimmy alone...


Last edited by prankster on Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:42 am; edited 1 time in total
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Ginjo Kaido

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:33 am

THIS POST IS FOR PRANKSTER, he was having complications.

prankster wrote:
Crew: the Cheshire Harleyquin
Position: supernova
Tier: 1
Activity: I can be on anytime for hours if it takes it
Why: have you ever met someone so buggy that you wish they'll just go away im the pain the world government and world nobles seem to cant get rid of I go to sleep early just to wake up early to get in trouble give us liberty or else how I see it  they got two choices the world nobles can live in our new free world or they can die in they old one.
Sample: It was a fine evening as a party of some sort was being held. It wasn't just any party it was a noble party and such a lovely party it was. Boom a loud gun shot went off as everyone turn to see. What gave you the right to talk back to me you low life human. Lord james seemingly loves to shoot his slaves the nobles whispered to themselves After that boredom did start to enter the ball room ironically so did prankster the nobles saw him heading towards the food tables. You there clown you are here to entertain us with entertainment not eat get to it. Prankster said nothing as he continued to eat what he did early made him rather hungry and tire.The nobles looked on as lord James kept yelling at Prankster but to no responsed did Prankster give him til he turned around. Prankster with shrimp in his hand in mouth begin to look at the crowd of nobles finally finishing his food. So your celestial dragons aye yall seem pretty comfortable up in this tower of yours. Lord James and the  others looked as he pulled out his gun and aim it at Prankster. So if you wont gives us a magic show or what not ill give you one. Prankster smiled as the nobles begin to laugh at him as though he was a comedy act. Prankster looked up and said for my first act im going to turn a dragon into a coward. The nobles looked on wondering what he meant as Prankster moved his fingers. The noble shot his gun only to be stunned at Prankster not being harmed he kept firing until the clips was empty. As he tired to reload he out of nowhere was getting pushed backed into the wall. The other nobles became afraid as lord James body was being crushed by Prankster invisible barrier.Lord James started to scream for help soon enough the wall had a print of his body pressed into it. Prankster walked back to the table to grab a glass of wine took a sip then said. Wala magic they looked as no more then 5 marine soldiers came in where are the rest of the soldiers the nobles yelled. Getting news that the other guards was unconscious put goosebumps on them.Prankster took a deep breath as he began to walk towards them causing most nobles to run out while the others ran to the tower window hiding behind the marine.For my final act ill be skydiving but ill be needing some volunteers now then be hold.The last few nobles faces turned red Prankster created a barrier frote as it began pushing them back the marine soldiers was helpless as the nobles began to fall out the window. No please wait I cant swim Prankster looked laugh then said dont worry I heard cowards float. Just as he pushed them out the window he gladly smiled as he began to leave. Lord James see him and yelled just who in the hell are you clown Prankster looked as he smiled why im the killing ace Prankster. Lord James looked and yell that goddamn supernova how did you get in here (boom) the barrier crashed into him knocking him threw the wall. Prankster looked and said you asked for killer jokes did you not and nobles get what they want after all. He takes more shrimp then leaves before more marine could come.
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Ser Random

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 11:01 am

Crew: N/A(Just call me the next Mihawk ;o)
Position: Shichibukai
Tier: 1
Activity: I spend a lot of time here q.q
Why: Because my pirate is going to be a bad ass and needs a title that matches his bad assery. (Reapplying w/ a fixed up sample.(It obvious that this work is a slight exaggeration of what he would've done to become a warlord.))
Sample:
The Terror of T.:
 

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Last edited by Elron T. Ikari on Mon Aug 31, 2015 1:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Draco D. Killdread

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 12:54 pm

Crew: The Legeds
Position: Supernova
Tier: T1
Activity: i can be active 3-6 hours a day finding myself always online xD
Why: Its ideal for my character and crew as we traval in search for the one-piece 
Sample: (500 or more word Sample as you playing as the Position selected


As he stumbled upon the outskirts of the bellator island jungle,his long white braided ponytail rushed behind him his metal plated white mask reflected the moonlight,the all black attire he wears is ideal for stealth.Noticing three recon groups made up of three man cells,he steathily moved threw the woods not alerting any of them.As he proceeded he pulled out a wanted poster Tote X.Balanche 95million beri bounty ex-marine/formor rear-admiral known as (Black-Fist Balanche)...briefly stopping as a patrol unit of five ex-marines crossed his path."Dao-Sword style crescent moon" he unsheathed his swords seperating them before moving in with the crescent slice decapitating all 5 ex-marines in one swoop,blood splattered everywhere pouring from the necks of the marines raining down upon him.


Thinking of nothing but the mission he continued to dash threw the bellator island jungle,the dense forest was hot,damp and humid.Seeing several wildlife he stopped to observe a egg that contained the rare dragon snake species known as Viper headed panthers.Hearing a "hi-ssss" he jumped back only to be cought in the web of a gigantic spider.Using his devil-fruit powers (Holy-holy fruit) he ignited himself freeing himself from the web.Getting free he launched a shigan based attack peircing his way threw ten 18ft trees.Birds started erupting from trees all around him,the shockwave was huge possibly alerting any nearby patrols,"i over did it" he thought to himself.


"This way!!" he heard the distant shout say,so he headed that way.
Upon reaching the site where the voice was heard,he encountered the enemy.10 ex-marines of avrage skill a gorilla,and there leader standing 12ft tall,jet black rugged hair he wore no shirt showing off his muscles,plain black pants tucked into his boots,around his waist a sash.Noticing him above everyone else the twelve-footed man started to speak."You there..he exclaimed Your Holy-Fist DDS i presume"he stated in a rather calm voice."Thats me..he commented..The Holy Mercenary here...to..relieve you of your duties".


As he sprinted threw the trees,and vines that separated him from his target,he was confronted by the 10 ex-marines and one of the tropical animals from the jungle being a gorilla.Using Bosushoki-haki his arms became that of solid iron,hitting one lacky sending him flying into the others at break-neck speed.The gorilla leaped high into the sky before being toppled by the now unconcciuos lackys,as the gorrilla descended,his chest cought the palm of the supernova crushing it and sending him flying past Tote X.


"Excellent simply exquisite...to bad you have to die".


Tote ignitiates his haki imbueding his arms in black iron,dashing towards each other,thier fist collide causing black lighting to resonate.The lightning danced as the two combatents went blow-for-blow tic-for-tac.Stumbling back realisng how the stregnth of the two differ,he ignites on fire...any last words Tote...."Hmph..Holy-fist DDS huh...Dont lose any sleep kid you've got a long way to go"sarcasticly speaking.
"Your reputation proceeds you..but in the end your still a dead man"


Leaping towards Tote X. Balanche thrusting both palms "Dragon shockwave" hitting him directly in his chest causing him instant death.The shockwave though ceased still echoe'd threw out the forest"thinking to himself i have to get stronger"he then proceeded to exit the jungle with the formor rear-admirals head in a sack.


Last edited by Draco D Killdread on Mon Aug 31, 2015 4:53 pm; edited 6 times in total
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Kitteh

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 1:31 pm

Crew:Tinker pirates
Position:Warlord
Tier: teir 1
Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours
Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too.
Sample:
fun battles:
 

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Last edited by Kitteh on Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:31 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Ser Random

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 3:28 pm

Kitteh wrote:
Crew:Tinker pirates
Position:Warlord
Tier: teir 1
Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours
Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too.
Sample:
fun battles:
 

Even though I don't grade these your sample is short some words.

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Kitteh

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 3:30 pm

oh ill edit it

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Kitteh

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 3:32 pm

I believe edited

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Eden D. Scythe

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:01 pm

While you do meet the bare minimum word requirement, I'm afraid that you are expected to exceed the bare minimum for a Shichibukai position. I want a lot of rich detail about your character in action. Before I read your sample, I really want you to add more to it. Really make a short story out of it. I want to be able to easily tell the kind of person your character is just by reading the actions he takes. You don't need to wait 3 days since I consider your sample more or less incomplete. I want you to impress me! You are an entertainer, after all. Razz

Kitteh wrote:
Crew:Tinker pirates
Position:Warlord
Tier: teir 1
Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours
Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too.
Sample:
fun battles:
 

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Kitteh

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:33 pm

perhaps this is good

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Eden D. Scythe

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Mon Aug 31, 2015 8:01 pm

While this is much better, and there is a bit more story than before, there are quite a few grammar issues throughout. In a couple places, you also added words that shouldn't have been in there, such as this line:

Kitteh wrote:
The fact was is that kitteh was mostly the support power, and so while the fire crackers stuck to the opponents usually one of his allies would come and kill them.

among others. This sample is still a large improvement from before. You have a bit of a story going on, and I can tell the kind of person your character is. One thing that has stood out though is the fact that you didn't show off much of the character's devil fruit power. Yes, you made a cannon and you described how you made trains and other kinds of toys, but you didn't go much into detail with these. You didn't describe how the cannon looked or what exactly you did to make the cannon. For the time being, your application is denied. Take 3 days to go over my critiques and fine-tune your writing. I'm certain you will get approved the next time you apply!

Kitteh wrote:
Crew:Tinker pirates
Position:Warlord
Tier: teir 1
Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours
Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too.
Sample:
fun battles:
 

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Draco D. Killdread

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:37 am

Crew: The Legeds
Position: Supernova
Tier: T1
Activity: i can be active 3-6 hours a day finding myself always online xD
Why: Its ideal for my character and crew as we traval in search for the one-piece 
Sample: (500 or more word Sample as you playing as the Position selected


As Draco stumbled upon the outskirts of the bellator island jungle,his long white braided ponytail rushed behind him his metal plated white mask reflected the moonlight,the all black attire he wears is ideal for stealth.Noticing three recon groups made up of three man cells,he steathily moved threw the woods not alerting any of them.As he proceeded he pulled out a wanted poster Tote X.Balanche 95million beri bounty ex-marine/formor rear-admiral known as (Black-Fist Balanche)...briefly stopping as a patrol unit of five ex-marines crossed his path."Dao-Sword style crescent moon" he unsheathed his swords seperating them before moving in with the crescent slice decapitating all 5 ex-marines in one swoop,blood splattered everywhere pouring from the necks of the marines raining down upon him.


Thinking of nothing but the mission Draco continued to dash threw the bellator island jungle,the dense forest was hot,damp and humid.Seeing several wildlife he stopped to observe a egg that contained the rare dragon snake species known as Viper headed panthers.Hearing a "hi-ssss" he jumped back only to be cought in the web of a gigantic spider.Using his devil-fruit powers (Holy-holy fruit) he ignited himself freeing himself from the web.Getting free he launched a shigan based attack peircing his way threw ten 18ft trees.Birds started erupting from trees all around him,the shockwave was huge possibly alerting any nearby patrols,"i over did it" he thought to himself.


"This way!!"  

Draco heard the distant shout say,so he headed that way.
Upon reaching the site where the voice was heard,he encountered the enemy.10 ex-marines of avrage skill a gorilla,and there leader standing 12ft tall,jet black rugged hair he wore no shirt showing off his muscles,plain black pants tucked into his boots,around his waist a sash.Noticing him above everyone else the twelve-footed man started to speak."You there..he exclaimed Your Holy-Fist DDS i presume"he stated in a rather calm voice."Thats me..he commented..The Holy Mercenary here...to..relieve you of your duties".


As Draco sprinted threw the trees,and vines that separated him from his target,he was confronted by the 10 ex-marines and one of the tropical animals from the jungle being a gorilla.Using Bosushoki-haki his arms became that of solid iron,hitting one lacky sending him flying into the others at break-neck speed.The gorilla leaped high into the sky before being toppled by the now unconcciuos lackys,as the gorrilla descended,his chest cought the palm of the supernova crushing it and sending him flying past Tote X.


"Excellent simply exquisite...to bad you have to die".


Tote ignitiates his haki imbueding his arms in black iron,dashing towards each other,thier fist collide causing black lighting to resonate.The lightning danced as the two combatents went blow-for-blow tic-for-tac.Stumbling back realisng how the stregnth of the two differ,Draco ignites on fire...any last words Tote...."Hmph..Holy-fist DDS huh...Dont lose any sleep kid you've got a long way to go"sarcasticly speaking.
"Your reputation proceeds you..but in the end your still a dead man"


Leaping towards Tote X.Balanche,thrusting his right fist as it began to burst with holy fire"Holy-Holy Yellow leopard" hitting him directly in his chest,Burning a hole threw his heart,causing him instant death.The shockwave though ceased still echoe'd threw out the forest"thinking to himself i have to get stronger"he then proceeded to exit the jungle with the formor rear-admirals head in a sack.He limped his way out,and began a new journy. 
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Eden D. Scythe

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Position : Supernova
Posts : 202

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Skill 1: Ryū Hikō
Skill 2: Sora Dōmō
Skill 3:

PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Wed Sep 02, 2015 1:04 am

I believe this is a huge, huge improvement from before. I could tell from some of your descriptions that your character was rather cold and to-the-point. A story is fairly evident here. However, there are 3 main things here that I would like to name off. The first thing is that there is no actual beginning to this story. You don't really explain why you were on the island in the first place or who the client was or if you simply found the bounty page lying around somewhere. The second thing is that your ending sort of drops off. There is nothing that sums it up and rounds it off. Maybe he went to go turn in the head for the reward, or maybe he simply left the island to another Blue first before turning it in. Whatever it is, I want to know. The last thing is that there are still a lot of spelling problems throughout your sample. While I understood everything you said and you are writing chronologically, the spelling errors make it difficult to read the sample smoothly.

Take one more 3-day period to run your sample through some spell checks, and add some detail into your introduction and ending. Since you were able to improve this much in 3 days, I know you'll be ready in another 3 days. I look forward to reading it!

Draco D Killdread wrote:
Crew: The Legeds
Position: Supernova
Tier: T1
Activity: i can be active 3-6 hours a day finding myself always online xD
Why: Its ideal for my character and crew as we traval in search for the one-piece 
Sample: (500 or more word Sample as you playing as the Position selected


As Draco stumbled upon the outskirts of the bellator island jungle,his long white braided ponytail rushed behind him his metal plated white mask reflected the moonlight,the all black attire he wears is ideal for stealth.Noticing three recon groups made up of three man cells,he steathily moved threw the woods not alerting any of them.As he proceeded he pulled out a wanted poster Tote X.Balanche 95million beri bounty ex-marine/formor rear-admiral known as (Black-Fist Balanche)...briefly stopping as a patrol unit of five ex-marines crossed his path."Dao-Sword style crescent moon" he unsheathed his swords seperating them before moving in with the crescent slice decapitating all 5 ex-marines in one swoop,blood splattered everywhere pouring from the necks of the marines raining down upon him.


Thinking of nothing but the mission Draco continued to dash threw the bellator island jungle,the dense forest was hot,damp and humid.Seeing several wildlife he stopped to observe a egg that contained the rare dragon snake species known as Viper headed panthers.Hearing a "hi-ssss" he jumped back only to be cought in the web of a gigantic spider.Using his devil-fruit powers (Holy-holy fruit) he ignited himself freeing himself from the web.Getting free he launched a shigan based attack peircing his way threw ten 18ft trees.Birds started erupting from trees all around him,the shockwave was huge possibly alerting any nearby patrols,"i over did it" he thought to himself.


"This way!!"  

Draco heard the distant shout say,so he headed that way.
Upon reaching the site where the voice was heard,he encountered the enemy.10 ex-marines of avrage skill a gorilla,and there leader standing 12ft tall,jet black rugged hair he wore no shirt showing off his muscles,plain black pants tucked into his boots,around his waist a sash.Noticing him above everyone else the twelve-footed man started to speak."You there..he exclaimed Your Holy-Fist DDS i presume"he stated in a rather calm voice."Thats me..he commented..The Holy Mercenary here...to..relieve you of your duties".


As Draco sprinted threw the trees,and vines that separated him from his target,he was confronted by the 10 ex-marines and one of the tropical animals from the jungle being a gorilla.Using Bosushoki-haki his arms became that of solid iron,hitting one lacky sending him flying into the others at break-neck speed.The gorilla leaped high into the sky before being toppled by the now unconcciuos lackys,as the gorrilla descended,his chest cought the palm of the supernova crushing it and sending him flying past Tote X.


"Excellent simply exquisite...to bad you have to die".


Tote ignitiates his haki imbueding his arms in black iron,dashing towards each other,thier fist collide causing black lighting to resonate.The lightning danced as the two combatents went blow-for-blow tic-for-tac.Stumbling back realisng how the stregnth of the two differ,Draco ignites on fire...any last words Tote...."Hmph..Holy-fist DDS huh...Dont lose any sleep kid you've got a long way to go"sarcasticly speaking.
"Your reputation proceeds you..but in the end your still a dead man"


Leaping towards Tote X.Balanche,thrusting his right fist as it began to burst with holy fire"Holy-Holy Yellow leopard" hitting him directly in his chest,Burning a hole threw his heart,causing him instant death.The shockwave though ceased still echoe'd threw out the forest"thinking to himself i have to get stronger"he then proceeded to exit the jungle with the formor rear-admirals head in a sack.He limped his way out,and began a new journy. 

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Eden D. Scythe

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:49 pm

Okay, so. While you do have some grammatical errors here and there (which is fairly normal), this is a fantastic sample. It has a very clear beginning, middle, and end; it has some dialogue, and it shows off your character using his devil fruit powers. Your character's personality is shown off quite a bit, though I wish I could have seen more about his constant desire to break rules, such as those founded by the Marines and World Government. All in all, you have my approval. Either Azure or Laplace will give a second grade and give you your advancement.

Yami wrote:
Crew: N/A (Still up for grabs -wink wink-)
Position: Super Nova
Tier: 1
Activity: Two to five hours a day
Why: Because my character is a constant rule breaker with the exception of some of his own rules. Just hand him a rule or book of laws and he'll try his hardest to break every last one of them. He has absolutely no love for marines and the world government and anyone who stands with them.
Sample:
The Sample:
 

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Eden D. Scythe

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Skill 2: Sora Dōmō
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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:54 pm

While your grammar/spelling did improve a bit from your last sample, I still believe this is your biggest issue. In some places throughout, you still have run-on sentences, which really ruins the flow of the story. While you did have a little bit of a story going on, it wasn't clearly evident. I think your biggest quality though right now is that you showed off your character's devil fruit powers, and you portray your character's personality rather well. For now, your sample is denied. Over the next three days, I want you to work some more on your grammar/spelling, and I would like to see a more clearly-defined story.

Genghis A. Graves wrote:
THIS POST IS FOR PRANKSTER, he was having complications.

prankster wrote:
Crew: the Cheshire Harleyquin
Position: supernova
Tier: 1
Activity: I can be on anytime for hours if it takes it
Why: have you ever met someone so buggy that you wish they'll just go away im the pain the world government and world nobles seem to cant get rid of I go to sleep early just to wake up early to get in trouble give us liberty or else how I see it  they got two choices the world nobles can live in our new free world or they can die in they old one.
Sample: It was a fine evening as a party of some sort was being held. It wasn't just any party it was a noble party and such a lovely party it was. Boom a loud gun shot went off as everyone turn to see. What gave you the right to talk back to me you low life human. Lord james seemingly loves to shoot his slaves the nobles whispered to themselves After that boredom did start to enter the ball room ironically so did prankster the nobles saw him heading towards the food tables. You there clown you are here to entertain us with entertainment not eat get to it. Prankster said nothing as he continued to eat what he did early made him rather hungry and tire.The nobles looked on as lord James kept yelling at Prankster but to no responsed did Prankster give him til he turned around. Prankster with shrimp in his hand in mouth begin to look at the crowd of nobles finally finishing his food. So your celestial dragons aye yall seem pretty comfortable up in this tower of yours. Lord James and the  others looked as he pulled out his gun and aim it at Prankster. So if you wont gives us a magic show or what not ill give you one. Prankster smiled as the nobles begin to laugh at him as though he was a comedy act. Prankster looked up and said for my first act im going to turn a dragon into a coward. The nobles looked on wondering what he meant as Prankster moved his fingers. The noble shot his gun only to be stunned at Prankster not being harmed he kept firing until the clips was empty. As he tired to reload he out of nowhere was getting pushed backed into the wall. The other nobles became afraid as lord James body was being crushed by Prankster invisible barrier.Lord James started to scream for help soon enough the wall had a print of his body pressed into it. Prankster walked back to the table to grab a glass of wine took a sip then said. Wala magic they looked as no more then 5 marine soldiers came in where are the rest of the soldiers the nobles yelled. Getting news that the other guards was unconscious put goosebumps on them.Prankster took a deep breath as he began to walk towards them causing most nobles to run out while the others ran to the tower window hiding behind the marine.For my final act ill be skydiving but ill be needing some volunteers now then be hold.The last few nobles faces turned red Prankster created a barrier frote as it began pushing them back the marine soldiers was helpless as the nobles began to fall out the window. No please wait I cant swim Prankster looked laugh then said dont worry I heard cowards float. Just as he pushed them out the window he gladly smiled as he began to leave. Lord James see him and yelled just who in the hell are you clown Prankster looked as he smiled why im the killing ace Prankster. Lord James looked and yell that goddamn supernova how did you get in here (boom) the barrier crashed into him knocking him threw the wall. Prankster looked and said you asked for killer jokes did you not and nobles get what they want after all. He takes more shrimp then leaves before more marine could come.

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Thu Sep 03, 2015 10:51 pm


[Don't make me regret it.]
(4 Strawhats out of 5)
Ser Random wrote:
Crew: N/A(Just call me the next Mihawk ;o)
Position: Shichibukai
Tier: 1
Activity: I spend a lot of time here q.q
Why: Because my pirate is going to be a bad ass and needs a title that matches his bad assery. (Reapplying w/ a fixed up sample.(It obvious that this work is a slight exaggeration of what he would've done to become a warlord.))
Sample:
The Terror of T.:
 

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Laplace

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:24 pm

Changed my mind.
BOUNTY: 93,000,000
LEVEL: +26,000 EXP (27,800 total - lvl.20)

@Random

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Kitteh

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Posts : 53

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Tue Sep 08, 2015 8:21 pm

Crew: TInker Pirates
Position: Shibukai
Tier: 1
Activity: on daily
Why: In the laws of kitteh's crew he has simply that entertainment needs to be provided, this being said he can go to great levels to get peoples entertainment. Kitteh would be an extremely helpful Warlord of the sea, and would pose a great threat to all around
Sample:
Don't mess with the wax:
 

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Azure Snow
The Owner
The Owner
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Position : Marine Captain
Berries : 110,000
Posts : 1065

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Skill 1: Heaven's Nodachi
Skill 2: Gun Blade Style
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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:07 pm

The RP, In my opinion was lacking the flavor needed to become a Warlord. I didn't feel the flow of words that I like to when reading someones sample. I am Sorry, But I don't think you have what It takes in this point in time to have a Position. Try again if you would like in 45 days.. this will give you time to improve your RP skills and possibly add the Lost flavor that is needed.


Kitteh wrote:
Crew: TInker Pirates
Position: Shibukai
Tier: 1
Activity: on daily
Why: In the laws of kitteh's crew he has simply that entertainment needs to be provided, this being said he can go to great levels to get peoples entertainment. Kitteh would be an extremely helpful Warlord of the sea, and would pose a great threat to all around
Sample:
Don't mess with the wax:
 

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Ninth_Horseman

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PostSubject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration   Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:12 pm

I approve. Congrat my friend

Radley wrote:
Crew: Dream Eater Pirates
Position: Supernova
Tier: Tier 1
Activity: I’m usually online whenever my laptop is open. I generally keep the site open and check back periodically through the day. Only future issues might be around big exam weeks like Midterms and Finals week and a couple days where I go visit home or am visited from home.
Why: Radley is a tough as nails guy that loves a good brawl and good food. He seeks to increase his power and strength so that he may one day become a legendary figure to the eyes of the world.  He is a protector for what he believes, whether that be some personal policy or related to his crew, and will fight ( or cook) to protect those ideals. I feel that something that might be kind of eye-catching about Radley is his sheer strength and ruthlessness that he ends up projecting during a fight. With a devilish grin and lots of wicked punches, this is one rookie keep an eye on.

Sample:
Sample:
 


Also managed to come up with an epithet I like. Have a nice day!
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